Personal Development
How Doing The Dishes Can Make Your Life
I don’t mind doing windows. I even enjoy sweeping and mopping, and doing laundry has never been a problem. But I can let the dishes pile up like the Matterhorn before I swing into action.
Or, up until a couple months ago, that was true. But no longer. And I’ve never been happier about it.
What, is this going to be a plug for some newfangled dish soap? A treatise on the efficient use of scrubber sponges? A born-again dishwasher-user’s manifesto? Nope, nope, and nopety-nope.
What I’m going to share with you today has the potential to save your marriage, your sanity, and help you become the kind of person you’ve perhaps dreamed you could become, but haven’t known how before. And it all boils down to a word that will have more meaning for you by the time we’re done than it probably ever has before: responsibility.
What Responsibility Has To Do With The Dishes, Your Marriage, and Happiness
You see, up until a couple months ago, doing the dishes was a chore that my wife and are co-responsible for. Meaning, we’d never really defined whose job it is to do the dishes; one of us just swings into action when the need arises, just like every other household chore (like laundry, vacuuming, and flossing the cat’s teeth. Just kidding. We don’t vacuum).
But that’s where the problem was. Because each of us was responsible, neither of us took charge of the situation until one of us independently came to the conclusion that we could stand it no longer (we both despise doing the dishes), and dragged ourselves grudgingly to the sink and got going.
The result, of course, is that there were dishes awaiting attention pretty much all the time, and the kitchen sink continued to be an eyesore, which only made us more reluctant to engage with it. And the aversion to dishes continued, and would’ve no doubt continued indefinitely, had I not had an epiphany one day. It went something like this:
Suck it up and be a man.
Well, maybe it was a bit more compassionate than that, but that was pretty close. I just came to the realization that I would be happier if I would take responsibility for having the dishes be done. In essence, I would slide ‘doing the dishes’ from the shared responsibility pile into my pile, and be done with it. “When there were dishes to do,” I told myself, “I’m the one who’ll do them.”
I didn’t say a word about to my wife — who will hear about this entire subject for the first time if/when she reads this — because it wasn’t about me being the noble one, or bartering to get out of doing anything else. I didn’t want this to become “my task” and therefore make some other job become “her task.” I just wanted to take this on as my personal charge, because I wanted it to be done. It didn’t have anything to do with anyone or anything else.
But the effect has been nothing less than revolutionary.
Oh sure, the dishes don’t pile up anymore, and that’s nice. I do them a lot more than I used to, and yes, my wife has remarked on occasion how great it is that I’m doing the dishes so much. Happy happy, joy joy. La dee da.
Where this has made its impact is not even so much in the kitchen, as much as everywhere else in my life, including my work, my health, and how our family spends its time.
- I get to the gym religiously, at least four days a week.
- I don’t slouch on my eating regimen, except for my one free day each week.
- I don’t procrastinate at work anymore, even though I’m a keystroke away from the internet and all its distractionary potential all day long.
- I’m conscious of how I spend every moment with people, and I’m learning how to make the most of every interaction, not letting the important stuff go unsaid or unacknowledged anymore.
- and on and on…
Deciding to take responsibility for something, completely independent of the choices of others, has helped me to grow up. I know that probably sounds funny coming from the mouth of a 36-year-old, but it’s true. I may be a married father of two, but my self-concept is still one of a freewheeling 20-something-year-old, living in my first apartment and tasting independence and freedom for the first time (take a moment and think of how you consider yourself; do you think of yourself being your chronological age?). And so, making this decision to step up and do what I needed to do, for me, has been a pivotal part of becoming an adult. Because I believe (evidenced by the world around me) that being an adult, a sovereign decision-maker and responsible person, is a state of mind, not a condition of your years.
This isn’t the first thing I’ve been responsible for, obviously. I used to be the director of an intentional community. I’ve been an independent professional for years. I’ve been a lifeguard, a coach, and held positions of authority many times. But making the decision to be ‘big’, with no input whatsover from the world around you, is liberating as heck. It creates a level of strength and confidence within you, because you’re no longer relying on anyone or anything else to give you power and authority; you’re claiming it for yourself. And that kind of inner potency is going to have a glorious spillover effect in all kinds of ways in your life.
Now, it’s your turn…
When you look at your own life, where would taking on the responsibility for something make a noticeable impact in the quality of your life? And hey, start small… I started with the dishes, for pete’s sake.
But start. Make a decision to take charge of something. And you don’t have to tell anyone about it… you just have to do it. And then see what kind of effect it has on you.
You just may find, as I have, that choosing to accept responsibility for something has a much greater impact on your life than you ever thought possible.
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2008 Viverati. 
I really enjoyed this post. Someday I want my son (who’s now 14) to read this :).
My son can clean a kitchen like you wouldn’t believe of a teenager. I told him that a man that does dishes and cleans the kitchen is an ancient Scottish secret to lasting marital bliss.
I’ve promised him that he’ll be the happiest married man alive if he will spontaeously surprise his wife (someday when he’s actually married) with a sparkling clean kitchen.
In the meantime, I let him practice on me!
Melody, I’m glad you liked the post… and it sounds like your son is well on his way to a blissful union someday! (”ancient Scottish secret”, eh? maybe that’s where I get it, too… I’m somewhere around one-quarter Highlander…)
My kinda post, little bro. Which, I’ve decided, is going to be your new nickname.
Sorry–you can choose the areas in which to exercise personal responsibility, but you cannot choose your nickname, el-bee.
Loved this post. Beautiful example of taking the micro and showing how it affects the macro.
Imagine the world we would live in if we all were responsible.
Small actions count. (One of my favourites - randomly picking up trash when out and about and a bin is handy.)
You’ve inspired me to pick up my game too. Time to suck it up and be a woman.
Right on, C; it’s been too long since I’ve had a good nickname. I’ll wear it proudly.
kl, glad to hear you’re inspired — I have done my job.
Stepping up is SO important. If you aren’t present for the bad stuff, how can you be present for the good?
Adam, Loved this post… all it takes is seeing something that needs to be done and just “doing it” without saying it’s someone elses responsibility. I notice my grandchildren have this notion that if one has to pick up something that isn’t theirs it isnt’ fair. A gentle reminder that sometimes it is just the nature of living; we help each other by just taking responsibility to do what “needs” to be done!
Great piece! Maralene
I sure hate doing the dishes. One day I’ll have a dishwasher. But in the meantime, thanks for showing me the bigger picture.
Oh, and I only have enough plates, dishes and cutlery to last one meal (we’re travelling on the road) so if I want a plate, I do have to wash it. It’s a simple Life Hack that ensures the dishes can only pile up so high.
It’s a simple ’system’. Maybe we can expand that concept to other areas of life. I guess if you live very simply, there are less things that can get out of control…
Yay Adam — the 2nd week I’ve gotten Viverati in a row .. . maybe it’s those clean dishes! That’s SUPER about the ripple effect your dishes resolution has had on your world. May I have your permission to use (or at least link) your article WITH CREDIT of course- in my next Breathing Space organizing tip? Bravo to you!
Joanna
Yep, I realized some time ago that growing up is a choice… it’s not necessarily something that just happens to you as you age. Boy was that a HUGE realization.
Having that choice is so liberating… it’s up to me where and how I spend my time. And yeah, there are times when I choose to still be a free-wheelin’ 20-something
I must confess that washing dishes remains a “final frontier” in the Murdoch household. I’m not quite ready to address that one.
However, I can take credit for taking more ownership over my work and over decision making. I’ve been developing marketing plans for disabled small biz owners that get turned over to a business plan who creates the final biz plan.
The biz planner is a talented guy and he’s fairly knowledgable about marketing. I’ve tended to defer to him when I’ve needed to make decisions re the best course of action for a client.
But I felt resentful because I wasn’t feeling like I was contributing anything of value to the client.
I realized that I was the marketing expert and that yes, I really did have thoughtful, valuable recommendations to make.
So I began to take my own counsel first and to trust that it was the best course.
It’s made a huge difference in how I feel about myself and about my business.
Now if we could only figure out something with the dishes (smile).
Judy
This is funny, because all the way through I was translating your meaning to the opposite - - - which has been my particular downfall tendency - - - to take on responsibility for EVERYTHING !
So my small taking responsibility is now choosing what to release from my (formerly vice like) grip. Like, NOT straightening the teatowel every time Bill hangs it up inside out. Or, letting him stumble through his search for words (dementia) before rushing in with his missing words.
My reward is always instant - a happier husband and less tension.
Did you imagine you spread this reverse idea Adam ?
Celeste
Great perspective Celeste! I think that taking responsibility for EVERYTHING is as epidemic as taking responsibiiolity for NOTHING.
Here’s a paraphrase on an old favorite:
“God grant me the serenity
to accept responsibility to create peace;
courage not to accept responisibility when that will create peace; and wisdom to know when to accept responsibility and when to let someone else accept it and grow by it. “
Great empowering thoughts on taking responsibility…and putting your foot down.
Just added your blog to my RSS and look forward to meeting you in Chicago at SOB!